Battle of Banker Hill

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Colonel B. Bumble; airborne division

Reconnaissance and strategic situation

Banker Hill, hidden in the Proprietary Range of the Big Business Mountains is in the hands of our enemies. It is very well protected by fortified earthworks, bags of cash, gold bars, and speghetti code. PIA Intelligence reports and our RQ-1 reconnaissance airplanes revealed strong and motivated enemy sales and marketing troops.

Direct attack was not possible and even our simulations on Blue Gene, our Linux based supercomputer have not revealed any viable strategy for breaking through the enemy's trenches.

Under such conditions most soldiers would lose heart. But not PLA soldiers! Not us! Never!!! Not only are we armed, we are winged too.

Chosen Strategy

While direct attack was out of question. The glorious leader Pen Gnuin's decided to:

  • Keep strong intelligence presence.
  • Build-up knowledge.
  • Move around, prepared and waiting for the moment when one of the enemy units will falter.
  • Move quickly and decisively. Launch surprise attacks on faltering units, then use all available forces to seize territory so that the enemy will have not time to regroup.

List of weaponry


Wednesday morning I got a call from PIA (Penguin Intelligence Agency) that enemy BI unit faltered. The wanted to launch new application for more than 3 thousand users, processing 4 requests per second during peak hours.

With current system they will need to use at least 50 computers running in parallel, or to upgrade their weapons. Although enemy had upgrade, because of licenses, need to process orders, payments and because of geographical distance, enemy was not able to regroup in less than three months.

This morning came our chance! I ordered our crack Cocoon troops to move ahead, but I also warned them, "Don't shoot until you see the white papers coming out of their printers!". In one day we installed an application server, solved connectivity to the datawarehouse database. In just a few days we had our first reports of the entire campaign force running on superior PLA technology.

We used JMeter to test and optimize performance and we finally saw the "whitepapers in their printers"! Time to attack...

Over the next three months we consolidated our gains, gradually increasing the number of reports. It took another two months for the enemy to regroup and to launch a counter offensive. We upgraded our weapons, deepened our trenches and held the line.

The biggest tragedy is that while they are not executable, unfortunately we are. Although we never run, our software always does. And those cowards, who run at the first sign of trouble, can't write any code that runs. This has resulted in our forces being executed, while we've never successfully executed anything from their side.

Although the enemy is increasing its pressure, they are at a disadvantage, now. They must go to uphill battle. Time is playing against them, we are stronger each day. They will not prevail.

Last order to PLA units is: "NO PASARAN!".

Key components of victory


PLA troops should always be around and in touch with inhabitants. Use this hard won intelligence to identify faltering units.

Be prepared

Keep your weapons prepared and ready. Maintain your knowledge. Use the right weapon for the right purpose and at the right time.

Use your time advantage

US Army says that units with Hummers can cover and control five times larger territories than the same units with heavy armored vehicles. Our enemy is not able to move fast. For a big company to obtain licenses takes time, usually several months. PLA military FOSS vehicles move much faster. Blitzkrieg, as usual, is the winning strategy.

Battle aftermath

After the battle, our positions must be secured, trenches deepened and strengthened. In application servers it means to make company business processes dependable on a PLA application server. Gradually increase the cost needed to oust PLA units. Make the enemy to feel increasingly desperate. Wait for another enemy weakness, then attack, quickly and mercilessly. Beat them! Chase them! Destroy them!

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