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UBM - Ultimate Business Machine Architecture

What's wrong with IBM architecture?

First of all this is wrong question. Better and correct question is "What's right with IBM architecture?".

Answer to correct question is: "NOTHING AT ALL", because basic architecture and principles are wrong!!

Current computers are just not suitable for business, because core arithmetic operations are wrong.

Another problem is that computers do not forget. Two major questions arise:

  • Why some stupid machine should know more, than I know?
  • And if this machine remembers everything. How can I remember what this damned machine remembers, after several years of storing pentabytes of everything?

Business Math Theory

1 + 1 = 2. Right?

PARPA team after 10 year of field research collected 50654881 data samples and found no single evidence of this hypothesis. Correct answer is 1 + 1 <> 2.

Business Math Operation Theorem

PARPA found Business Math Operation Theorem that says: "Any mathematical operation must be profitable".


  • 1 + 1 = 4.50 You buy 2 bananas 1$ each. Your customer pays 4.50$.
  • 1 + 1 + 1 = 6 You buy 3 bananas 1$ each. Your customer pays 1$ + 1$ + 1$ = 6$ (wholesale price).
  • 1 + 1 = -1.50 You buy 2 bananas 1$ each and you sell then with 2.50$ profit. To tax collector you report loss of 1.50$, because gasoline prices are high, winter was harsh, and you had to heavily invest into additional insulation (your girlfriend's fur coat).
  • 2 = 1 + 0. This strange, but highly profitable equation is based on: "Buy one product for double price and second one you get for free."

So business math add operation can be written as:

a + b -> x <-> y, where -> means "who asks?" and <-> means "lets negotiate correct answer".

Because IBM machines gives consistently wrong results (1 + 1 = 2) every math operation must be corrected. Ineviteably operational costs are skyrocketing.

You may now speculate that in technical calculations 1 + 1 = 2. Wrong again. Suppose that you buy car with 30 MPG and 2 gallons of gasoline. How far will you go? Definitely not 60 miles.

If you will not be caught by police, you will go around 40 miles.

CPU units thus must handle a + b -> x <-> y - business and real world arithmetics.

UBM Banking System

Lets compare behaviour of banking systems based on IBM and UBM architectures.

How much do you have on your bank account? You know, that it is something slightely above zero. Right?

So you go to withdraw money to bank.

Situation 1 - inhuman IBM architecture

Under these circumstances cashier and you start to behave like dumb machines:

You: "I want to withdraw money. How much is on my account No 1635987666500487132237564564?"

Clerk: "672.31 USD."

You: "Only? There should be around 800 USD."

Clerk: "Fees for income, outcome, statements, A1 and CBC30 fees has been distracted, too. Additional 12.50$ is your visit fee."

You: "OK. Give me 600$."

Situation 2 - human UBM architecture

Cashier behaves like human:

You: "I want to withdraw money."

Clerk: "Nice day, isn't it? How much?"

You: "How is you family? I want 1 300 USD."

Clerk: "I am afraid that it is too much. I can give you 300."

You: "You have new glasses, have you?. They are nice. Lets make it 1 000$."

Clerk: "Because you are nice person, I can go to 500$."

You: "Lets compromise on 800$."

Clerk: "OK 800$ and your Rolex. And you will be responsible for that my kids will starve."

You: "Please (you hand him your wristwatch)."

Clerk: "Ooooh, that's Lolex! In this case 600 ... because you are our old client."

You: "OK. Give me 600$."

Situation 3 - human UBM architecture

You: "Good morning. I want to withdraw money."

Clerk: "You have not been here for long time. How much?"

You: "1 300 000 USD. I want to buy a new house."

Clerk: "Oh yes ... wait a minute ... uhhmm .... seems like problem ... yeah ... computer has forgotten you."

You: "Believe me, I had these money here."

Clerk: "I believe you. But what you don't have, you don't need. And by the way to buy house for 1.5 million is nonsense. In such a house you will feel alone, depressed and lost. Who will clean it? You? I doubt. Listen, there are nice flats for just 30 thousands in Northern Harlem, and believe me, you will enjoy far more fun with your new neighbors."

You: "When I think about it twice, I must admit that you are right. Give me 30 000 $. This nonsense was my wife's idea, anyway."


1. Interactions in human relations sequencing and determination in controlled environments. Rev. Doctor Pen Nguin. Penguin House Publishing. 1984.

2. Extraordinarily normalized discreet encompassment. (top secret document, access restricted. click here.)

3. Cranial-Rectal Inversion Therapy Journal. "A Survey of Surveying and Surveilance Technicals Among Surviving Surveyers" Issue: XXVVI pp. 23-34. Dewey, Skrewm, Howe; editors.

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